Set Your Sights On Things Above
We so quickly get our eyes off God. Let's get back into
perspective.
perspective.
11/2/2013
Forget-me-notsThis is about Dementia - not flowers, sorry.
Dementia, in any form, is devastating to everyone touched. I know it is - for two years we took care of my husband's grandfather while he slowly deteriorated from this terrible thing. I have relatives dealing with it even as we speak. It's all-encompassing for anyone who is doing the care-giving, plus so emotionally taxing. Suddenly the parent that has always taken care of you, is needing you to take care of them, eventually in even the most basic of functions. You wake up one morning, and your parent has forgotten where they are, what day it is, why you're in the house, and eventually, even more devastating, they forget who you even are. It's so stressful, it's like living in a pressure cooker all the time. Your loved one cannot be left alone in a room, because who knows what they'll do. You're reduced to treating them like they're two years old - when you've had a lifetime of being taught to treat them with respect and honor. There's stuff that goes on in this process that none of the rest of y'all want to know about - not criminal, mind you, just things that no one else wants to deal with, but it has to be done. So now you feel guilty on top of it all. And there's no relief. They can't be taken to a senior daycare, because those facilities don't manage people who can't remember to take themselves to the bathroom. Not to mention the fact that often added activity makes their dementia worse for that day, sometimes a couple days after, as well. You might not be able to afford in home care - we had a nurse come in for a little while each day, but it became so expensive we finally had to let her go. We probably could have afforded someone who wasn't a nurse, but we decided to take on the care ourselves. The money just wasn't there to afford outside, long-term help. It was absolutely exhausting, and took our entire family pitching in. There was myself, my mother-in-law, my husband, and our two oldest daughters helped with the watching part. In the past I've been a registered CNA, so I understand daily personal care-giving. My mother-in-law is a registered nurse, so she had quality healthcare training. I cannot imagine what people are going through who have no formal care-giving training. And believe me, I DO understand what I mean when I say I canNOT imagine. I know there's a whole other level of fear, trepidation, worry, stress, and outright terror involved if you come into this situation without feeling adequately prepared. And in it all, there's no one else who can help. Each time something new happened with grandpa we'd realize that we had to step it up a level. Grandpa had these collections of penknives - we eventually had to hide them all. Each time we turned around he'd have another one, and he'd be trying to cut something up - usually the tops off his socks. We don't know why he'd do that, but we couldn't just let him continue. I remember we'd follow him around watching like a hawk until he put that penknife down, then grab it when he wasn't looking and hide it from him. We finally had to scour every drawer, shelf, and cubbyhole in the house looking for those penknives because he seemed able to pull them out of thin air. It would have been comical if it weren't so terribly tragic. Once he got hold of the handset of the phone, and would not release it to anyone. He hit the talk button, too, so no one could call in to the house for a few hours. When he finally let it go, we realized we had to start putting the handset out of his reach. It was at this point that all sharp objects were put in a back area that he couldn't get to. All forks, knives of any sort, kitchen or otherwise, letter-openers, everything. The area of the house that he could access had to be completely childproofed - and that's a ton of work in a house they'd been living in for fifty years. For awhile there he realized he was missing things, he knew we were hiding things from him, and it got him angry. This man had spent a lifetime being unfailingly kind, even-tempered, the one his family could rely on to be their rock, the one that could handle any task he put his hands to. But it got to the point where he could no longer remember how to control his own emotions. It was devastating for him, it was devastating for us. He wasn't always kind anymore. He sometimes said things we hadn't thought would ever come out of his mouth. And we had to let it all roll off our backs - each day, all day. It's not easy to write about this, not easy to think about, not easy to deal with. Let me tell you though, it's much, much harder to live with it in your house, day in, day out, night in, night out, every second. No one wants to come over, because no one else wants to see this loved one in this state, either. You can't go out, because they can't be left alone, and too much extra activity wears him out, and makes his dementia worse that day - and probably for a couple days afterward. But I'm not writing this just to vent. I'm writing this in the hopes that it encourages someone, even one person, to reach beyond yourself for a little while. The people you know dealing with this right now need your help. You might say that you don't know how to deal with someone like that. Well, the ones living with it didn't know how to deal with it either, but they are in a situation that they cannot get out of, and they feel guilty for WANTING to get out of it. Volunteer to go over there and sit with their loved one for a little while. They'll probably refuse the first time or two that you offer. Keep offering, and if you're a real close friend of the family, or another relative, just show up. Let them know you understand their sweet loved one might cuss them out until they're blue in the face. Let them know you understand you might have to clean up a mess. Let them know you understand that you might have to keep yourself out of arm's reach, because the grip on that fragile-looking senior citizen is INCREDIBLE, and you do not want to have to extricate yourself from it. Other relatives living in the area? Be available! Show up and just start cleaning the house. Believe me, they need it. Don't judge when the house smells bad - because sometimes it will. Just help. Take out the trash. Sweep the floor. Clean the toilet. Clean out the refrigerator. Dust something. Go BUY GROCERIES. Oh goodness - some of these basic things just no longer showed up on our radar, and they'd get forgotten, and then there's something else to feel guilty about, making us feel like we'd failed. When we were going through this with Grandpa, we had one relative that committed to taking him to his doctor's appointments for us. What a blessing this was! And just one example of a creative way to help a family that desperately needed help. Oh how I wish everyone understood these things. I can't tell you how many times I've heard stories of people in this sort of situation, and there's other family nearby - like within a five or six minute drive from the house - and the other relatives almost never show up. I know it's usually not out of malice, or intentionally being neglectful - they aren't trying to ignore, they just have their own lives and their own things they do. It's not like they're sitting at home doing nothing - usually. Most often, these other relatives feel as if they CAN'T handle what's going on. They believe they are not ABLE to help, that they don't know what to do. What they forget, I think, is that the family living in the house often feel the exact same way. They feel they are out of their element, all of this is beyond their capability, above what they can handle. They don't know what they're doing either. All they need is someone else to take a little bit of some of it off their shoulders. To stand next to them, maybe hold their hand, pray with them, talk to them, remember who they are. Think about it.....these families are YOUR family. The ones living there in the house with the loved one afflicted with dementia are hurting. They are in desperate need of a respite - and respite care doesn't take on the intensive type watchcare that most of these people need. Not to mention the fact that respite care is not cheap - in any way, shape, or form. They are in desperate need of being able to get out of the house, with the knowledge that their loved one is being watched lovingly, by another responsible person. Or maybe they just need to go in their own room and take a nap. Seriously - nap time is important! Give them an hour or two of your time. Don't isolate them. Be a support. I know you're busy. I know you have legitimate things that you have to take care of or your own household will fall apart. I get that. Your family gets that. But find some slot of time you can give this hurting, desperate family of your relatives. Show them you love them. Show that you care. To those living in this situation - you ARE understood. There ARE others who have gone through the same thing. There IS help. When someone offers you help, take them up on it. Don't be so independent that you think no one else can do what you're doing. They CAN. Let them. AND cookies for everyone who actually read all the way through this long long blog post.
10/19/2013
Pass It OnGod knew that my last post would be something I'd have to live out myself in the week to come. This last week our family went through something stressful that we've never had to go through before. My aunt, my mother's only sister, was diagnosed with an aggressive lung cancer. We got the call telling us about the diagnosis last Friday, the 11th. My husband and I jumped in the car that night, and drove five hours up to Fremont, CA where we slept in the parking lot of the hospital until close to visiting hours. Walking in that room, my aunt was obviously trying to draw breath, but still able to talk to me. We visited for that hour or so I was there alone, both of us knowing it might be the last time. She and I had talked many times before about her belief in Jesus as her savior, and I was confident that she knew Christ, but I asked anyway. I needed to hear it, and she nodded her head so eagerly I know she didn't mind my question. The doctors came, told us that there was slight hope, and we'd have to watch, do procedures over the weekend, and see if she improved. After briefly doing better on Sunday, she declined and by Monday afternoon she was being given comfort care. As a family, we sat by her bedside for four days - most of us nearly nonstop. Some sang, some checked the monitors constantly, some fidgeted with the blankets and were always trying to make sure she was covered, others wanted to drill the doctors with questions, getting as much information as possible. All of us coped in different ways. Finally early Wednesday morning she drew in one final breath. She went home to be with God, finally out of pain, able to breathe freely, and to sing like the angels. We wish she were here - but really, she wishes we were there with her. She loves her life in heaven. So my post now is about passing on a legacy. Passing something along to others to share with others and so on. My aunt grew roses, and I have determined I'm going to try to grow my own bushes from cuttings off her rosebushes. I've got at least twenty started from cuttings I got this last week. At this point I feel like they're my new 'babies'. These are just a few of the new 'babies' in the household now. If they do well, you'll see more pictures of their journey to big time. My dream is to eventually give these out as started rosebushes to her two daughters, her granddaughter, her sister (my mom), and her various nieces and nephews. One thing that was reiterated to me through this time was that we pass on more than just material possessions to our children and grandchildren. We pass on behaviors, attitudes, habits, both good and bad.
We pass on the wisdom we learn from God, we pass on the heritage of loving our family. Do your children know you love God? Do your children know some of the things that God teaches you in your devotions? My aunt might have had faults - who doesn't - but she left some lessons to learn. She gave to a fault - to the point where she was sometimes taken advantage of, but she wasn't bitter - at least in her later years. She spoke her mind - and was still growing in that area. She and I spoke awhile back about adding loving to speaking the truth. She told me God had been teaching her that just because something is true, it doesn't mean it has to be said out loud. She was willing to speak her mind, but also willing to admit she might still need to learn a thing or two. She wasn't too proud to admit that. My aunt had her problems, she had her faults, some might even look at her past and judge her, maybe even harshly. But God saw her heart. He knew she struggled, but He also saw her turning to Him for help. He saw her wanting to do what was right, and He saw her asking Him for forgiveness when she failed. She is the epitome of 'Better is the end of a thing than the beginning." Let her lessons be passed down to the rest of our family. And remember, whatever God gives you, pass it on. God teaches us for a two-fold purpose - to improve US, and to improve OTHERS around us, through us, after us. Pass it on.
10/7/2013
Through the Looking GlassMy daughter was at work today and had an interesting experience. She was parked outside the apartment complex where she was babysitting, getting ready to leave. Her truck had a minor mechanical issue - which to me means call out the national guard because I have no idea how to fix those - but to my daughter it was really no big deal. She could fix it, it would just take a couple seconds. In the meantime, someone else drove up behind her, and pulled halfway to the curb, obviously with the intent of taking her parking space as she was vacating it. Now remember, this was basic public parking along the street's sidewalk - not the parking lot for the building. So the following was in no way caused by my daughter being in the wrong spot - because she wasn't. And it's not like there weren't other spaces around them open, because there were. The guy in the truck behind her was obviously not happy, and was gesturing to her to move, even as she was getting out of her truck to fix her minor little issue. She told the guy, it's having a problem I have to fix. My daughter had to get out, tighten the connection to the battery, and then get back in to the truck to see if it would start. She had to do this four times before it would start. Remember, she's allowed to be in this parking space. It's a public road. There were at least two car spaces ahead of her...at least one car space behind her. At first the guy was alright with her dilemma (how nice of him), but as she kept having to go back and forth his impatience grew. The guy simply thought of her as being in his way. Eventually he decided he may as well just park behind her, and in the meantime flipped her off. I mean really? A young girl in front of an apartment, having mechanical issues, and he flips her off for being in his way? Of course, just as he shuts his truck off after having parked, my daughter's truck started and she drove off. How much time had passed? Maybe two or three minutes? The guy's patience wore out in just two or three minutes - five tops if you allow for my daughter not having a good judgment of time passage. I grant that maybe he'd had a really bad day. It was Monday after all. I grant that he may be going through some things that none of the rest of us can even imagine going through. Who knows? But really? Has society gotten to the point where a lady can be in distress and the guy around her flips her off for being stuck in his way? Maybe the question should be asked of us all.... Where are we in this society? We might not flip someone off when they get in our way, but do we help them? Do we sit by and watch while someone is having a 'minor mechanical error'? Do we inconvenience ourselves to make someone's life easier? Do we go out of our way to help a friend? Do we go out of our way to help an enemy? Life is full of stress, and stress distorts - like a face shoved up against a glass door. Like this picture: You have to work hard to see the real person in that picture. She's there, but could you pick her out of a police line-up just going on this picture? No, I'd say you probably couldn't.
Stress in our lives smashes our face up against glass. It distorts if we let it. Giving in to it makes us do things that we never thought we would have done. I dare say that if that guy had a daughter he'd expect other people to treat her with more kindness than he treated my daughter. I dare say that at some point he'll be embarrassed over his behavior today, maybe even remorseful. Do I really know it's stress that made this guy act like that? No. Maybe he's just a mean person. I don't know. But we can take a lesson from it. We don't have to let our faces smash up against a glass. We don't have to give in to things that distort us. We can take a step back and let God take over. We can live our life in kindness. Be as nice as you know how - in every way you know - to everyone you know.
8/23/2013
Being Under God's FeetAwww! Isn't she cute? Yes, true, she's adorable. This is Dixie, the Schnauzer/Poodle mix, or Schnoodle. She's also known as 'Ditzy' because she's a little...ditzy... sometimes. We're talking walk-into-walls, forget-where-you're-going, sometimes-caught-staring-into-space type of adorableness. And this is Buddy. He is also known as 'The Best Male Dog Ever' in our house, the wonderful Beagle/Jack Russell mix - Jackabee - that has found his forever home here. We once thought that if these two had puppies, the result would be called Schnackaboodles, but that's a different story. By the way, they aren't being bred, it was a funny story because of the puppy names, that's all...so put your torches and pitchforks down. *grin*
8/6/2013
I'm nine and I'm fine!So, this last weekend the boys in the family all went to a Men and Boy's Campout with our church. The boys in our family consist of my husband Rich, and our two sons, James and John. James is 15 years old, John is 9 years old - and a bundle of nearly unstoppable energy.
Well my husband was having to keep a close eye on John for those three days in the mountains. After all, there's bears in them there hills - seriously, real bears. Not the fluffy teddy bear kind, the big-clawed, don't-feed-the-bears kind. Mostly everyone stayed together, but at some point John was rarin' to take off, and my husband turned to him and said, "Where are you going, son?" John turned to his father, and said, "It's ok, Dad. I'm nine years old now. I'll be fine." It was funny, really, how my husband is so much bigger than him, and knows the dangers waiting in the woods far better than our son does, and can keep my son safe. Yet in John's nine year old brain, he was grown up and fully capable of taking care of himself. As I thought about this, I realized something. Don't we do that with God? We look at God and say, "It's ok, Father. I've been saved (however long). I've got this. I'm fine. I can take care of myself now." You know, in the Christian life we're supposed to mature, yes. But we never will get to the point where we're as grown up as God is. Sure, John is more mature than he was as a one year old, but he isn't grown fully, and he can't meet the challenges we know he'll face if he goes off on his own. God knows that about me too. I can't go off on my own, expecting to be able to meet and conquer the challenges I'll face, without having God's help. While someday, Lord willing, John will grow to be a 40 year old man, and be as mature as my husband is now. But as a Christian, I will never accomplish the feat of being as 'mature' as God - none of us will. We never grow to the point where we don't need God's help any longer. Today, let's let God be in charge. |
AuthorI'm Sherry Chamblee, aspiring author of Christian fiction, mom of six, wife to a cool dude, and caregiver to his granny. Besides that, I am just little old me - it's just a phrase, I'm not really old, honest. Check out my new release!
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